Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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