we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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