Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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