wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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