I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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