What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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