Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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