walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
