The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
