Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
