mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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