I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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