we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
