He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
