I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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