Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
