why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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