Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
