Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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