We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
