Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
