wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
