I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
