I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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