I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
