Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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