I hate all girls vehemently.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
