he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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