If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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