Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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