I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
