Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
