so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
