i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
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He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
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WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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