Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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