Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
