I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
