Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
