three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
His nipple licking is glorious
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
