I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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