When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
