You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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