Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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