I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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