I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I supernannyed him into submission
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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