well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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