She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
