these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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