We're facebook friends in real life
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
