4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I deserve this hangover.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
