Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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