margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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