i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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