someone owes me an orgasm
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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