I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
