i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
