Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
