It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
